I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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