i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
