kristin has been a bad kristin
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
