you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
