you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
