i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
