when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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