T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
