I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
