I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Barsexuality is the new black.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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