I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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