Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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