she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You were trust falling into bushes
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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