I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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