I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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