my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
