im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
