They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
