Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
