foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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