I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
