Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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