you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
