So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
