my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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