I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
