I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
