Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
and she was petting her beer can
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
