White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
