??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
