I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
