Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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