totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
