Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
