pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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