Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
