You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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