I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
