My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
