if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Vodka?
Forever.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
