Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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