I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
