I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
