Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
