Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
