I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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