After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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