He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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