Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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