We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
your like the ambassador to my penis.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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