i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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