I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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