Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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